the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
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Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
PLEASE READ
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine