Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”

Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.

quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric

My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.

My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.

Snots fired.

She loves me

[forgets to run the dishwasher]

She loves me not

*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award

Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…

*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*

Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday

family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”

I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”

you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)

Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.

My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.

No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.

Nobody:

My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.

We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.

*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??

I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.

you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school

sounds kinky. i’m in.

I just want the confidence of my teen who replied “Who’s this?” to a guy who texted her after ghosting her for a month.

If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.

Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)

Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨

I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.

[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear