Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
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I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.