Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
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Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
Ghost costume 😂
the battle rages on
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
Phew
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
At my funeral please take that bouquet of flowers off my coffin and throw it to the crowd to see who’s next
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
When he said they’re giving migrants sex changes I nearly spit out my dog
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat