Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.

judge: please, rephrase the question

yoda lawyer:

me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”

I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.

[Driving by a massive pile up]

SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.

ME: It’s a collidascope.

SON:

WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.

[1863]

LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—

MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers

My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.

Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?

Me *reports him to Human Resources*

[traffic court]

Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets

JUDGE: Repeat infractions?

Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets

Cha-ching is my safe word

“Damn girl, you look hot”

Really?

“Like a sexy little italian car”

DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?

Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.

I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh

Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing

To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.

Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars

What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?

Amateur

“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.

Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.

*gets hit by car

**back cracks

Me: Thank you!

Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!

Me: How about a guillotine?

Wife:

Me: I’ll be on the couch.

I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.

I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said

[battle]

ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit

SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word

M: It means give up

S: Oh cool. Lets do that

Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas

hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here

Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man

i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window

Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?

Me: yes. Molotov, please.

2020: The Year In Review

Everyone: No