Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?

RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much

[Trying to hire a hitman]

“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”

[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain

*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*

Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit

Me: WAIT

Adam and Eve: *Staring*

Me: You gotta wash it first

some cats are just doing for fun!

I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.

Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave

Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.

You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch

WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume

*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN

Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things

Also me:

Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.

No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.

It’s been a terrible year for burglars

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators

I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.

I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.

Just gonna catch up and tackle him.

Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.

7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?

Me: Dad.

7: Then how come you look older?

Me: Santa’s not real.

Katy perry I have listened to your new song backwards and I understand the mission. Sleeper cell activated

Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!

Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger

it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”

I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean

Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.

[funeral home]

DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.

Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced

[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?

ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*

Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”