interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
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STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
Let us remember him by his own last words: “Homemade jetpack, don’t fail me now.”
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’