Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.

Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.

It’s not a question of when will my daughter say mommy, it’s a question of when won’t she

“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”

-how vodka was born

money maker

My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop

Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”

You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.

i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers

There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.

Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.

When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.

Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?

I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.

The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.

Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?

Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.

Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together

The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single

Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”

“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?

Nothing infuriates me more than when I’m on my phone and something wants me to scan a QR code. With what Jan? With. What.

I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.

me: omg goth bath bombs

santa: that’s charcoal

[in Batmobile]

Superman: Hey

Batman: Sup?

S: Promise you won’t be mad?

B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!

Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.

I admire the audacity of beavers, they just move to a new area and say “screw the neighbors, imma put a lake here”

starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes

I resigned after being refused a pay rise and submitted six applications for my job. Mgmt gloated how far better candidates had applied to replace me. I gloated when none of them turned up for interview. Had to buy sim cards and create emails to pull this off. Totally worth it.

Ladies, if he:

– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteries

He’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.

Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision

[God creating bears]

God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t

Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”

Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*