Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*

Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?

*Everyone yelling about politics at Thanksgiving dinner*

Me: *taps wine glass* “Quick poll: who wants the last piece of pie before I eat it?”

I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.

My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.

I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.

I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.

Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad

Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.

Me: 35%?!?… amateur

Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.

Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower

Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground

Me: This spaghetti is spicy.

Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel

I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.

when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out

A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb

God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.

Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.

me: spell “Fanshaw”

British person:

In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.

“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”

Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.

The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.

Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”

When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up

You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese

In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s

[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleep

GOD: [on his phone] Hang on

ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok

Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***

She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.