Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.

Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.

[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”

Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.

My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.

The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.

Me: “When will you be home?”

Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”

All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.

I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.

“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions

took a gummy earlier and I’m sitting outside. The same bush to my left has scared the shit out of me at least 4 times over the last 20 minutes.

I’m eating for two; me and the person I strive to be

I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.

It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed

Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit

Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart

Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news

Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*

Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.

3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:

1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave

My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.

going from an agency to a company that cares about you is crazy because my boss said “please don’t apologize for having spinal surgery” and i was like “are you sure”

The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story

It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.

If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in

The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero

This could’ve been an email.

You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.

Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear

Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes

What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?

*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*

Things that alarm my 5yo

Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick

Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt

Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce

You’re the water to my grease fire.