Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad

The year is 2075. Nuclear fallout has caused genetic mutations resulting in people having six to eight fingers on each hand. Some people have three arms. It’s horrifying, but on the plus side, AI-generated art finally looks true to life.

Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”

My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.

She’s eleven.

I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.

date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous

me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha

I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.

Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia

guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name

How to get a job on Game of Thrones:

Q: Can you act?

A: Sorta

Q: Will you get naked?

A: Yes

HIRED!

I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars

Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.

I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back

5yo: Curious George is not a monkey

Me: yes he is

5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape

Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg

You when you started twitter vs. you now.

If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait

If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.

Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions

Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.

I think this is my favorite scene in a movie

For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.

I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.

6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.

Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*

My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.

Friday

My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.

“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”

sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people

[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*

I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.