Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
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In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
Who called it a deep freeze instead of ice-o-lation?
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
If they can make a nuclear reactor small enough to power a submarine, why can’t they make one for my house
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
damn he’s good
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
The Burt Reynolds in me says go for it, but the Wile E. Coyote in me knows how it’ll end.
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
These aren’t even hard anymore.
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”