interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
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When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
when dads have a rap battle
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
Catercrombie & Fish
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
me in a relationship:
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.