Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free

Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”

*ninja group therapy

Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!

EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you

EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast

EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off

If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.

Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old

Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer

Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t

*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”

You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping

Executioner: Any last words

Me: No, I’m –

My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call

I took the first step towards cleaning out my closet today. I went in there and looked it over good.

In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.

ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,

THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.

ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.

THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY

BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.

Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.

Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary

One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.

Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!

Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.

“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*

Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down

🤣

“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”

Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?

When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.

Me: Well, today sucked.

Him: It’s 9 AM.

if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it

Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.

“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”

I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.

The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores