interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
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It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
Passed by a old school Math example today.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
The legends were true
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
my kid, hitting me with toy hammer: mom, I’m fixing you
me: *fires therapist*
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake