interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
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Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
Politics top tip: Gain people’s trust by telling them that everyone is lying to them.
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”