Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Have you seen my thumb ring?”

~ my proctologist

Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things

I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.

[God making spaghetti]

ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?

GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.

Foolproof? Yeah, well we’ll see about that

You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.

“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”

I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.

When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”

Whoever came up with “penny for your thoughts,” “don’t nickel and dime me,” and “another day another dollar” sure knew how to coin a phrase.

Wife: You need a shower
Me: The pressure’s too low
Wife: OK, have a shower or I’m taking the kids

My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.

I would wear Nike but I’m not a “Just do it” kinda guy. I’m more of a “Meh, I don’t wanna” kinda guy… so I wear Sketchers

He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.

Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.

8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?

Me: Why, yes we are!

The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.

When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.

🤣🤣🤣🤣

I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted

Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*

Me: My eyes are up here.

Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.

I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets

Thinking about having kids?

Buy a plant.

If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.

Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.

Then: I will never lie to my children

Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.

Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*

– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.

mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.

buys donuts instead

I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.

My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.

I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”