interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
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[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
[montage of me giving-up]
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
I used to make jokes about sewing but I ran out of material
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.