Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
You Might Also Like
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Mummies are just super modest zombies
Are we there yet?…
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
waiter: did you enjoy your meal
me: honestly not really
waiter: yeah your meal sucked. why would you order that. back in the kitchen we were all like why the hell did he order this. it was hilarious. jesus christ man. gotta be one of the worst orders ever
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
Whenever my Mother-in-Law’s stories end with “And I turned out OK” I’m looking around like who’s gonna tell her
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
Steam Forums
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.