Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
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Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
My husband texted me from Costco to let me know there was a long line & I think he was looking for me to say “don’t worry about it, just come home” but instead I said “don’t forget the ice.”
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
“$400 for movers? No, I can rent a truck and do it myself for $40”
– Me yesterday
I regret everything….
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
Straight people are cancelled
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq