Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
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I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
My background check bounced.
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.