Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
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“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
Axl Rose: welcome to the jungle
The jungle: please stop bringing people here
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck