Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
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What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
But that’s none of my business
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
My dog burst through the screen door yesterday so I’m dressing her up as the Kool-Aid man for Halloween.
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
I ate a bag of Doritos and immediately followed it with half a giant bag of gummy bears and surprisingly enough I do not feel good now
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
What a year we’ve had this week.