Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
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Boss: You’ll never find another job like this
Me: That would be great
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
Heroic Misunderstanding
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
Went shopping for camouflage but didn’t see anything
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
Spa day..😅
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
sure you can go to a dealership and buy a car but there’s nothing quite like the satisfaction of growing your own
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis