Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
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Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
My card got declined at the barbershop so they put all the hair in my mouth and squeezed me until it came out of my head
Showerkraut
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
My doctor sucks. Didn’t even kiss it better.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?