Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.

[bicycle race]

Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait

contortionist: what’s wrong?

proctologist: your head’s in the way

I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video

I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.

I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO

Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.

Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life

iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing

Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.

Me *swallows pride*

Baby lion: holy shit

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
– that one really embarrassing thing you did
– literally everyone still remembers & talks about it
– you’d think they forget but no lmao
– can’t believe you did that lol

[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.

Fun Fact:

If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.

I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.

I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.

I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.

Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”

Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?

Me: No, he’s my biological dog.

Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM

Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever

Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏

Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*

Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.

Her: oh.

Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.

Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”

*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead

Burglar: *breaks into my house*

Wife: Quick honey, grab something!

Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you

Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice

Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.

Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*

Me: Is it food?

If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.

Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.

Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died

“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”

Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?