Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
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the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
gonna boost my morale by cracking jokes in front of my juniors
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ