interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
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This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
if I was a nepo baby I’d never use my parents’ status to get a job, I’d live off their money and never work
Deciding which personality is going to respond to an email
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
getting seasonal up in here
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.
Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.
My new baby cousin is half Bengali/ quarter Portuguese and a quarter Nigerian. And the first thing my uncle says is welcome to the world baby United Nations 😭😭😭😭😭
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
