If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
Interviewer: I don’t see a phone # for your reference
Me: he is a duck I feed bread to at the park you will have to speak to him directly
You Might Also Like
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
hmmm tastes weird
hmmm mailbox had wings
*drives home on flying monkey*
hmmm that wasn’t a stamp
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
Don’t we all.
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
her: I named my baby Susan
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
My friend Stephen misheard me when I invited him to this CrossFit gym. He’s going to have a hell of a time running in stilettos.