Interviewer: I don’t see a phone # for your reference
Me: he is a duck I feed bread to at the park you will have to speak to him directly

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If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.


Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*

Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you havenโ€™t showered?


*licks stamp*
hmmm tastes weird
*mails letter*
hmmm mailbox had wings
*drives home on flying monkey*
hmmm that wasn’t a stamp


I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.


Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No


You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese


[watching Jaws]

Me: Which ones Jaws

Girlfriend: Who do u think?

Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell


her: I named my baby Susan

me: boring

her: she’s a puppy

me: omg I love it


My friend Stephen misheard me when I invited him to this CrossFit gym. He’s going to have a hell of a time running in stilettos.