I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
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i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
We need more people like this.
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire