Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.

Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶

Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁

“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”

“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”

Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.

I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot

Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.

My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes

We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.

Boss: do you have Twitter?

Me: what’s twitter?

Boss: no seriously

Me: ……

Me: no hablo Inglés

A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them

He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.

“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.

Met another guy who lost his left leg. He’s a cool guy. We make a right pair

I’m not saying I’m mad at you, but I hope someone breaks into your house tonight, toasts all your bread and then puts it all back in the bag

as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default

God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?

Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad

I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it

Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.

Blocked everyone who wouldn’t be invited to my funeral so if you see this, what dish are you bringing to the wake?

Her: We’re having twins!

Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!

If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.

“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”

The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with

I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go

That’s enough internet for the day

5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.

she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.

her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job

So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978

Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?

At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.

My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.