Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
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“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
#ParentingFacts
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
TODAY
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
Look, a pure bread cat!
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.