Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“That’s me in a nutshell.”

A peanut’s photo album.

pirate: shiver me timbers

me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*

the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus

A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”

I could have died and those would have been my last words

A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.

Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?

Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.

Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???

If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.

Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]

Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’

Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house

Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit

Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that

Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”

“IT BURNS!”

-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.

We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made

My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….

Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.

It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.

Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife

I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.

My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”

Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.

if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker

I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.

Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from women

Post-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon

ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present

ESKIMO: You idiot

Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.

People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”