Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
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There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
#NeverForget
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!