Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
You Might Also Like
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
WARNING: My kids were in the water all day yesterday.
None of them got out for a bathroom break.
Until further notice, Lake Michigan is CLOSED.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.