Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
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Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
Your Time On Earth Is Limited. Don’t Try To “Age With Grace,” Age With Mischief, Audacity, And A Good Story To Tell.😉💂🏻♀️👋🏻🇬🇧🍻
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
Leaving the Barbers like
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?