Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the lady who waxes my eyebrows asked me what my favorite local hot dog places are and i got so animated she had to stop working for a second

The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone

When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.

wife: what’s bothering you, hun?

attila: the romans

just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great

absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted

My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover

*air fryer

It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.

Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?

I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.

Collecting my reserved books at the library: They’re under the name Marriott.

Librarian: Oh, like the author!

Me: Huh?

Librarian: You know, the author – Zoë Marriott!

Me, blankly: This… has never happened to me before.

Librarian: All right. Can I have your library card?

No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.

If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.

I’ve learned enough Spanish to dream in Spanish, but I can’t understand what the fuck anyone is saying 😀

*wears camouflage to a family reunion*

Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?

Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.

Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?

I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game

No one girl should have all that power. 😂

“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”

She has a name you know!

“What is it?”

…Paige.

is this store having a stroke wtf

Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.

gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*

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3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.

Me: Okay—

3: And bite people.

Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?

19: I don’t want to tell you.

Me: Was it porn?

19: It’s worse.

Me: What was it?

19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2

😆😆😆

I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.

I don’t have kids.

Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.

It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…