Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.

Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.

When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.

Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.

I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.

I could never give up my dog, he knows too much

Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.

I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.

The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.

I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.

I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”

Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.

dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment

The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭

Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.

People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas

online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”

Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson

Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?

Yoda:

Luke:

Yoda:

Luke:

Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.

establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you

the only bumper sticker ill allow

What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?

My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.

man: want a carrot?

horse: ok.

man: we’re friends now right.

horse: i guess.

man: great hey can you help me move.

Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-

Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE

Dinosaur 911: same color as you?

Dinosaur: YES

Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?

Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh

I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.

If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.

Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.

Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.

Are we there yet?…

[sams club]

ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!

LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?

ME: Uhh, I left it at home.

LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.

ME: Please! I’ll be quick.