INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
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Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
If anyone has any experience with anything or knows anything about something please let me know 🙏
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.