Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman

GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn

We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.

The scariest pumpkins ever 😵🤣🎃

“That sucked.”

-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie

me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.

doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.

me: i know but it’s so itchy.

If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”

All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missing

You’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus

When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way

When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph

if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”

Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.

Fun times

MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.

Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.

“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”

I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.

Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.

*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*

Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.

6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.

Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*

6yo: Oh no.

“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think

boss: you’re fired

me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that

Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.

The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.

[texting]

Wife: Clean out your bowels.

Me: OK.

Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink

Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.

I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.

me: would you like beans?

3: no

me, trying to instill manners: no…what?

3: no beans

Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika

CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!

PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!

The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:

1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..

[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really

My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.

You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.