INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?

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ur honor, i call GOD as my witness
*jury gasps*
*nothimg happens*
*slowley, a man w/ beard rises from the stands*
damit no Gary sit down


Dinner time:

*opens fridge & stares

*moves to cabinet & stares

*moves back to fridge & lowers standards


“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies


“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”

– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive


Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream

Professor: That’s him, officers




every morning I ask the dog “the usual?” before pouring his food into his bowl & neither of us thinks it’s funny but that’s showbiz folks


Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.


Hate when my GF asks me to hold her purse at the grocery store line cause I really don’t like being that guy holding two purses.