@jwoodham

INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?

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@pan_opt_icon

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: To propagate authoritarianism and generate revenue for the state?

Cop: Besides that.

@ThisLocalHater

People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes

@Marlebean

I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…

@DionneMcNutt

A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”

@maughammom

Me: “Want a banana?”

3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”

@evilbart24

Uber driver: ……….

Me: ………..

Uber driver: …………

Me: ………….

Uber driver: ………….

Me: …………….

Uber driver: …………….

Me: ………………

Uber driver: you have arrived

Me: 5 Stars

@HeyZeus666

Now 91 is waving his diaper over his head while 86 is running down the street naked with 79’s pants. Working in the old folks home is hard.

@lilgapeach30

Men. Can’t live with ’em…can’t finish this joke unless I wanna be single the rest of my life.