ur honor, i call GOD as my witness
*slowley, a man w/ beard rises from the stands*
damit no Gary sit down
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
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And they lived apathetically ever after.
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
every morning I ask the dog “the usual?” before pouring his food into his bowl & neither of us thinks it’s funny but that’s showbiz folks
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
Hate when my GF asks me to hold her purse at the grocery store line cause I really don’t like being that guy holding two purses.