Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:

Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer

LEGO Chewables

Nicotine Patch Dolls

Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House

I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.

me: so how do you guys get around?

dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train

me: makes sense

dumbledore: fly a broomstick

me: fun

dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void

me: huh

dumbledore: bus

.. do you even science?

Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.

My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)

Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…

Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.

I’ll never understand people who go through self-checkout line and slowly and carefully scan their items. This line is for STEALING

me:[drinking from a human skull]

him: is that full of blood?

me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.

‘Did you hear, Tim died.’

Oh no, was it serious?

Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.

I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.

ME: I’ve fallen for you.

JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.

Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no

USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not

My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger

Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you

Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.

It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.

Hello 911, something is wrong with my teenager and he won’t tell me what it is

Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.

Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking

I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”

I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.

Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong

Me: I know!

Mechanic: Your car’s fine though

Me: ok cool

If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.

Me: *pooping with the door open*

Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”

Tier 3 meme

If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or