Interviewer: If I called your former boss right now and asked him-

Me: *smacks the phone out of his hand* don’t do that

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[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol


[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight

[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him


I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.


Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle

Co-worker: It’s my daughter

Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?


Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.

Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?

Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.


I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.


alcohol is never the answer, unless the question is, “why were you barely conscious on the kitchen floor eating dog food?”


Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.

Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.

Doctor: This is serious!

Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken


Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you