*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
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ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
The two types of wives
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”