Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
Interviewer: If I called your former boss right now and asked him-
Me: *smacks the phone out of his hand* don’t do that
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Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
jesus: hey dad
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
Let my son leave the house today wearing a striped shirt and plaid shorts. I’m done, he’s natural selections problem now.
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.