interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
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*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
you could not pay me to delete this app
Happy to report that I have finally digested all the stuffing I ate since Thursday. Now onto to the mashed potatoes
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
i baked you a cake
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.