interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
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[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
hey, alexa
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
Snapes on a plane.
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
ugh not again
Amazing how fast my addiction to my phone is cured the moment I get a phone call.
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.