interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
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When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
being too stressed isn’t good for the baby.
i’m not pregnant though, its just that i’m the baby
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
also my go-to takeaway order
everyone’s blaming media illiteracy for ppl mistaking poo crave for pop crave but babe that’s just regular illiteracy 😓
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
When you have to use a public restroom.
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
girl broke up with me for talking like a old timey gangster. driving way too fast bc I’m so upset. Wouldn’t be surprised if the brass buttons turned the cherries on and pulled me over
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead