Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.

FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are

10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.

Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.

If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.

My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.

Have you ever taken a nap so good you think you’ve missed the school bus but it’s Sunday and you’re 56

*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*

Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry

typical orange cat and void cat behavior

He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.

Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek

…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!

– my Dad

“Notice the way he uses colors.”

“How??”

Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.

Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?

Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.

One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.

*holding 7 steak knives*

DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU

Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve

Groom: I do.

Priest: And..

Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.

Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road

[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care

*gets a new lease on life*

*misses first payment*

apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida

20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels

…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.

The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”

Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.

My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.

Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.

My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.

Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.