Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.

I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.

*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*

Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements

Officer: oh no

Hostage: oh no

Kool Aid Man: OH Y

me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.

keep your friends close but your smartphone closer

*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee

“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”

*walks outside
*screams

Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.

It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.

Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”

Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!

I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.

*NEW*

For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.

PUNderwear ®

Comfort is No Laughing Matter™

Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.

That escalated quickly

– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.

Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.

I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want

Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.

Be the one that gets asked to remove the hockey mask, during a conference call, on Friday the 13th.

Don’t compare yourself with others. Everyone is better than you.

My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?

bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?

“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”

* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox

Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.

Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!

ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre

just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock

Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.

as is their right