Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
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Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
Election Day is on a Tuesday because our government cannot compete with Monday Night Football
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
Bruh 😂
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
Win every argument by producing a cute puppy from your pocket every time your opponent agrees with you and putting it away sadly whenever they don’t.
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
We couldn’t come up with anything better than “open-face” to describe a sandwich without a top? Open-face is what happens when you encounter a bear in the woods.
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
Man sits by me on train.
MAN: Loads of psychopaths around here
ME: Really?
MAN: Loads mate
ME: How’d you know?
MAN: There’s signs aren’t there?
ME: I guess?
MAN: I love them
(47 minutes of awkward silence.)
Man leaves train, he has a bike. I realise he was saying ‘cycle paths’.
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking