Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover

“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”

an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin

[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.

We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man

“Look guys! No hands!”

-captain of the Titanic

went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security

No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample

The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.

If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.

Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.

Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.

Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?

The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.

ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]

DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!

When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]

Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.

skinning your knee as an adult is so humiliating. that’s the toddler injury

My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off

When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..

god: you have outlived your purpose

dinosaurs: give us another chance

god: fine

dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this

my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart

kid: whats the meaning of life?

me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end

kid: where do babies come from?

me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…

Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.

Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.

I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.

thanksgiving in nutshell

At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral

Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.

I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding

If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.