Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: How was your day?

Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.

A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”

My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.

Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job

Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.

My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.

I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?

Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”

I don’t watch a lot of UFC fights, but when I do, I like to pause them when someone gets punched or trapped in a weird position, and say, “I bet you’re wondering how I got here”

I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……

[filing for legal name change]

Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?

Me: I was owned pretty badly on line

Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs

I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too

*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?

-No, I’ll order off the menu

-The buffet has more options

-That’s ok. I know what I want

-The buffet?

-No.

-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.

tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive

In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play

Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.

Someone just called country music ‘farm emo’ and I’m dying

Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet

My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.

House for sale. Spider on ceiling.

my date last night:

– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his ex

dating is fun, you guys

#katesdates

Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal

Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.

You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex

Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?

[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.

Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal

What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.

There was a sudden Jeff in the family

Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes

Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.

Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”

Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se