Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

—What are we?

—Women!

—What do we want?

— We don’t know!

—When do we want it?

— Now!

Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.

When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.

There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.

[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”

Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.

Me: [fails Captcha test]

Captcha: haha goptcha

The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip

When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.

20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.

me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something

12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?

“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me

I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back

“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡

According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.

BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!

ME: …

DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!

ME: …

BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!

ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.

MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!

“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.

News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.

The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.

When I was 7, I fell out the bed twice. It was a twin & my mom was like, “if you keep falling out the bed we’re gonna have to get you a bigger bed.” For two weeks straight, I woke up extra early before school & would lay out on the floor. My dad then got me a queen sized bed.

I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.

* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*

Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me

Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more

“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have

People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.

I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!

police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*

If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.

I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.

I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.

Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.