Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
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The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
Couple goals
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
Wine shopping with my mom is 10% grape variety and 90% “ooohh this one has a pretty label.”
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
LOL
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*