Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
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I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday