INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
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Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
After this very serious election let’s do one goofy one
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
Never deleting this app.
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
New menu item
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore