INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
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Chickens only make one sound, because they can’t think outside the bawks.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
PARKOUR
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
The dishwasher was emptied, clothes put in their hampers, and wet towels hung up without me doing any of it.
There’s only one possible explanation. We have a poltergeist
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!