INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
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Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.