Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back

I’m being attacked 😭

I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.

Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.

DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?

I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.

I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”

[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-

Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it

Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.

I have also decided to not buy Twitter.

#FoundAtGrandmasHouse

Grandpa’s welcome sign

I totally get your eyebrows.

My bank account is overdrawn, too.

*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*

me: I’m broke

therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?

me: emotionally

therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god

I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.

*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall

Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it

Last-minute gift idea!

Beware of the “party goblin”…

@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered

How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…

~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.

There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.

Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.

I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.

I have standards. They might be low, but still…..

Me: Makes a Reddit post about my efforts to avoid arguing about politics with my parents over Thanksgiving.

Reddit users: Yeah, but you probably want to argue politics with strangers, right? Because I’m angry about the following things…

Nope, no thank you.

Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work

Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time

Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges

If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.

Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.

Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?