INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
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[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
Did you get that psychic damage I sent you
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
found a blob of cinnamon roll icing in my hair. anyway, thought of you
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY