Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”

*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!

All the good Liam Neeson jokes are Taken.

I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.

Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent

Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?

So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”

Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher

reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird

Waitress: Breakfast is over

Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.

Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.

Me: Okay, eggs then.

Waitress: Bacon or sausage?

Me: …Bacon.

Waitress: Do you want toast?

Me: ….

Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.

Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.

Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.

every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong

“Expecto me to be there”

Harry Potter RSVPing to a party

I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?

Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”

ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.

HIM: What?

ME: What?

“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”

Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift

Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.

Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.

Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.

Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you

Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina

BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool

ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah

6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?

Taxidermist: He will not

I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.

Me: I have a problem.

Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.

Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.

And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?

Drive thru cashier:

I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.