“you should have used a tag”
[a horse emerges on luggage belt]
noone else has brought a horse linda
[another horse appears]
Interviewer: It says here that your weakness is that you don’t pay attention. Is that true?
Me: Sorry, did you say something?
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boys need to work on keeping their Instagram up to date with good pics. I can’t show my mom some pic of a fish you caught 120 weeks ago
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
[First day as a Doctor]
Me: Unfortunately, my first patient passed away today. It’s a harsh reality that we doctors have to face.
Patient: But… you’re a chiropractor…
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
I keep a second pair of shoes at work, I don’t want people to recognize me when I’m pooping.
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.