@Alex_Houseof308

Interviewer: It says here that your weakness is that you don’t pay attention. Is that true?

Me: Sorry, did you say something?

You Might Also Like

@SondraDeeMe

Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!

-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets

@AnkCoupleTO

Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?

@Ooft_Headshot

Toy Story has resulted in me not being able to throw away my childhood toys in case they get depressed and want to kill themselves.

@psybermonkey

Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.

Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.

Waiter: how does the chicken taste?

Me: WITH ITS TONGUE

@TheHyyyype

website: select a security question

me: ok

website: make of first car

me: nah

website: mother’s maiden name

me: nope

website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp

me: bingo

@XplodingUnicorn

Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?

Me: Never

Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.

Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.

@serendipitydon1

It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.

@rclyne02

They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update

@ibid78

“Why haven’t you been answering my pigeons?” – 17th century sext