Me:She’s better than me.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
Interviewer: It says here that your weakness is that you don’t pay attention. Is that true?
Me: Sorry, did you say something?
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Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
Toy Story has resulted in me not being able to throw away my childhood toys in case they get depressed and want to kill themselves.
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
*Getting murdered* omg I have the exact same knives
website: select a security question
website: make of first car
website: mother’s maiden name
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
“Why haven’t you been answering my pigeons?” – 17th century sext