interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
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Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
when people your age have their shit together and you have no idea what you’re doing
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
That stupid look on my face, is my face
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
Ummm
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”