Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie

A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.

Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire

Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway

My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.

6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope

6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet

6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry

6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?

My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.

I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.

You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge

Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.

News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.

Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!

My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today

Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app

Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.

In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter

One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.

You can get away with having a large pile of dirty clothes easily, if you put a sign on top of them that sais ”Experiment”

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.

*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*

Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!

Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.

Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame

Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco

I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃

Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?

I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st

I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.

[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife

cop: show me your hands

dahmer: *opens fridge*

“I’m thinking about having a baby.”

“You should get a dog.”

“As a sort of test?”

“No. You should just get a dog.”

(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.

CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.

ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*

[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]

If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.