interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
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My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
Where do I see myself in 5 years? I don’t even know where I am right now.
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
Once again I find myself asking “How long can I stay in the bathroom before one of my employees realizes I’m gone?”
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
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