interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
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13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
Looking forward to Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck getting back together again in 2044.
tweeting shouldn’t cost money but it should flip you on your back like a bug for 15 minutes
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
Ostracized? Buddy, why would I want to be turned into a bird that can’t fly?
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
(Jupiter –
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”