interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
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WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
Cop: “Do you know how fast you were going?”
Me: “Officer, I’m focused on the future.”
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
For anyone that’s still confused here’s a cheat sheet for this week.
Sun
Idk
Wtf
Idk
Idk
Wtf
Sat
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
It’s my cracking, popping joints that has unfortunately kept me from my career as an unexpectedly hot assassin
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.