interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
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Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
