Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you

me:

Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.

[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.

Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.

one thing they don’t tell you in driving school is that it’s ok to miss your exit and get off on the next one and loop back, instead of coming nearly to a full stop in the middle of the freeway or careening across multiple lanes of traffic quickly to try to make it

*does hair and makeup*

*drives to the gym, takes selfie*

*leaves*

I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.

Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead

Box: *violently shakes and hisses*

Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox

Box: *screeches threateningly*

all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”

Health status:

Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.

I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.

ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…

If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.

You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.

just pretend nothing happened

attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin

you, a host: “Mike what are you bringing to Thanksgiving?”

Me, the ultimate guest: “the most important dish of all

I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.

*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*

“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”

[taking a hearing test]

DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard

ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work

DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones

Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”

He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.

As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.

PSA: if you are experiencing performance issues in Stardew Valley 1.6, remove all hats from pets. We will address the problem as soon as possible

Me: what’s this fee?

Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.

Me: ok

Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that

Me: do you know how money works?

My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie

Friend: ow I just cut my finger

Me: ouch

Friend: can u put a bandaid on it

Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp

I get so stressed trying to keep track of all my Christmas vouchers. I wish there was a universal voucher you could spend anywhere. Maybe it could have the king’s face on it and come in different denominations.

no one:
no one:
8: if there is a Hell, I’d like to take a tour

Friend – Your grammar is horrible.

Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth