interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
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My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
grandpa said he didn’t want a fuss
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
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