interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
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What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
I am never leaving this website
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…