INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
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“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
the guy who ran this museum we are in in Slovenia just talked us through how the museum worked and then said “seeing as you’re British, please don’t steal anything for your own museum”
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
broke down and did it
me: going to the gym
friend: but it’s 2AM
me: got to exercise my demons
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.