Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.

I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.

I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!

I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.

Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.

Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not

What

We

Eat.

Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general

my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”

me as soon as i see the dogs:

Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*

Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.

I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings

My boyfriend always complains that I never smile, but he’s the one who wanted a serious relationship.

This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.

Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk

[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]

wife: what’s he doing

me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family

her: what is it

me: i… just… told you?

I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.

Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41m

Groundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days

me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life

Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot

Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.

HAHAHAHAHA!

Just kidding. He totally threw up.

Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling

My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.

My cousin is supposedly into taekwondo but he never finished his training.

He has a belt in partial arts

I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.

Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]

James Potter: push down and then pull back

Voldemort: I am [still struggling]

Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it

Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10

There’s something I really need to get off my chest tonight

Throws bra on the floor

I feel much better

£900 pound for an iPhone 6?

Airplane mode better take me on holiday

Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.

I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans

My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.

Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some

A fake ID that makes you younger